Never Enough and The Shifting Nature of Fatherhood

Prepared by Rashaad Ali 15 June 2025 The image of a contemporary father is contradictory, an identity in flux. From clocking in at 9-5 and attending parent-teacher meetings to keeping a house tidy and changing diapers. Modern life also demands eight hours of sleep, balanced meals, climbing the corporate ladder, starting a side business, and participating in whatever the latest fitness trend is (pilates).  Millennial fatherhood has shifted away from traditional gender roles towards greater involvement in co-parenting and household management, becoming a core part of the modern father’s identity. Much of this is driven by a desire to be more present as a parent and partner, in the name of gender equity. Moreover, economic pressures and realities of modern life often necessitate a dual-income household where both parents fulfil overlapping roles and responsibilities.  As men have shifted away from being the sole breadwinners of the family unit, due to both desire and necessity, fathers ought to be more engaged in co-parenting as well as household management. However, much of the conversation (and rightly so) is often centred on the social and economic realities of mothers. While this is critical given the significant challenges that mothers face, time should also be spent understanding this new landscape for fathers. If our goal is to achieve gender parity, it’s crucial to understand the modern economic and emotional demands of parenting, and to recognise that a problem for one is a problem for both.  However, conversations about the evolving nature of this role often lack nuance. Men are still expected to “get on with it” without an understanding of what “it” is. It is also a difficult conversation to have without sounding self-absorbed, especially when compared to the struggles women face. Such conversations may also run the risk of crossing the ugly edge of the manosphere populated by misogynists dressed in pseudo-intellectualism and animal imagery. Ideally, we can reach a point where these conversations can take place without appearing to be in opposition to one another.  A feeling of “never enough” is pervasive, lingering on the periphery of long work hours, in the fumes of traffic jams. Never enough is a stagnant economy, more work for less wages, a spiralling cost of living, a life that was once promised yet exists in the realms of fantasy. All the productivity gains without the reward.  But “never enough” now lives in the sink of unwashed dishes, in school runs during lunch breaks, and in attending Hari Sukan on a Friday. We have put in place all the expectations of the modern father without any of the support mechanisms or resources. Perhaps the nature of being a guardian is to worry, to focus on the half-empties, to let our insecurities wash over us in between loads of laundry, just as much as it is normative for fathers to suppress their anxieties, in the name of “getting on with it”. Inevitably, what both fathers and mothers are left with is guilt. Guilt for not fulfilling our multiple identities, for not being a present parent or partner, or for underperforming at work. For neglecting our health in the pursuit of juggling multiple roles.  We expect women to work and be caregivers, and we now demand that men shoulder this dual burden as well, yet we have not established proper policies that support this shift.  The approach must be different: Men require fewer career comeback programmes. There are few, if any, workforce barriers for men.  Instead, men need support services, access to resources, and family-oriented policies designed for both parents. We must supplement this transition and facilitate the changing identity of fatherhood before men fall into an ugly trap of anger and resentment. The benefit is two-fold; it encourages men to be better, and shifts the narrative of care away from being solely a woman’s responsibility.  Recognising the changing nature of fatherhood is not a call for congratulations or applause. It is acknowledging that our society isn’t adequately set up to manage this change, whether from a social or policy perspective. As we pour our efforts into reducing workforce barriers for women, we must also spend energy reducing household barriers for men.   Eschew the Father’s Day watch and embrace flexible work arrangements as well as increased paternity leave. Avoid making a judgment on traditional gender roles, as doing so overlooks the harsh reality that economic pressures have made them the exception, not the norm. Parenting as a shared responsibility requires solutions that forego traditional gender roles in favour of creating an environment where anyone can thrive, regardless of the “role” one wishes to adopt.  I remember the first time I tried a baby wrap: a long stretchy cloth that’s meant to cradle my newborn to my body like a kangaroo. My primal instinct is to protect my child in one hand, warm latte in the other. Yet, I struggled to make sense of how to drape this cloth around me without suffocating my child. Clearly, I’m not its target market; after all, the product’s packaging featured images of eerily calm and well-manicured women. Perhaps a baby wrap was a step too far. Perhaps I should’ve lifted weights and relied on the upper body strength I’m apparently supposed to have instead.